Whenever the calendar rolls around to April 3rd, it feels a little harder for me to breathe. 

That was the date my doctor wrote down on a piece of paper and handed to me along with your pictures. He said that it was the day we could expect your arrival into the world.

Today, five years later, I can’t help but wonder what you would be like now. 

Would you have your daddy’s curls or your mommy’s freckles? Would you be as smart and kind as your little brother? I can only imagine all the joy we would have shared; because that’s all there ever was to your life… 

Hope.

Oh! How desperately I prayed for you, little one! The day I discovered that you were growing in me was one of the happiest moments of my life. Daddy and I went to the doctor, and we saw you. We heard your heartbeat, and I INSTANTLY fell in love with you.

After struggling with infertility for years, and waiting for SO long, I couldn’t help but think of you constantly. I thought about names, and how we would tell our friends and family about you. I even started planning how we would decorate your room. I had so many hopes and plans.

One day though, I just didn’t feel quite right, so we went back to the doctor. I could still see you, but I couldn’t hear your heartbeat anymore. 

The doctors told us that you were gone…

You were only with me for twelve short weeks, but I already loved you dearly. My heart was broken. My usually logical, rational mind struggled to even string together words for a few days. Why after all this time had I been allowed to conceive? Why had I been allowed to hope, if it was all going to be ripped away? How was I suppose to say goodbye to someone I would never even get to meet?

The only comfort I ever truly felt during those first days was in knowing that you were in Heaven with Jesus, Who created you and loved you even more than I did. I don’t know why you had to go so soon.

I do know that I am glad you never had to know what it was like to feel sadness, to have your heart broken, to endure pain, to feel ashamed or to be ridiculed. You would only know happiness and peace for all of your life, and in a sense, that gave me great joy!

It is likely that I will continue to think of you on this date for the rest of my life; because, the love I felt for you is an impossible thing to forget. 

It would be three more years before I got to hold my firstborn baby in my arms, but you were the one who first taught me what a mother’s love felt like. 

So today, I will think of you

There will be tears for the dreams I had for you, but there will also be joy for all the things I learned along our journey. Above all, I will be grateful for the time i had with you, my precious Hope.

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